and the stepladder of literary shame; today’s subject from the legion of inquisitive readers.  Both of whom asked why Insightout keeps sinking southward.

Aside from being a slug, the answer is simple; each time you contribute, you move to the top of the chart.  Not that it’s contest or anything remotely similar, but when you’re no longer in the win, place, or show (#1, #2, #3) positions, it’s time to take off the dunce cap, mount that filly, and get out of the maze.

 

Banana Slug

The beloved icon of UCSantaCruz

 

Hence, my alarm when AOL reported yesterday that the safest state to live in is New Hampshire.  Don’t be so smug for the affectionately nicknamed Granite State as its very future appears terminal.

A hospice for New Hampshire?

On a recent visit with well-to-do friends in Florida I noticed granite countertops everywhere….kitchen, bar, bathrooms, den, and that was in their motorhome.   The rest of the house was more of the same.

My conclusion: simple math + 1,000s of interior decorators on methamphetamine = the extermination of the world’s supply of granite.

What is it with this addiction to rocky countertops ?  Far-fetched you might think, but remember linoleum, congoleum, porcelain, formica, and the soapstone workbench in your college chemistry lab…all a distant memory having succumbed to the granite virus.

So today I am appealing to the U.S. government to have New Hampshire added to the endangered species list along with the rough-haired golden mole, the philippine warty pig, the greater prairie chicken and the dwarf iris.

The gaping hole that once was a proud, crime-free state will create a war between its neighbors vying for landfill rights; a New England mega-state will be formed in this once tranquil setting, Vermachusetts.

This new entity would effectively downsize (a necessary strategy in the new economic age) the U.S. to 48 states thus eliminating NH, VT, and MA.  Just think, four senators would be lost, vaporized, benefit and salary expunged while their previously employed staffers seek out homeless shelters.  The new Old Glory would return to forty eight stars.

Meanwhile, as I attempt to separate the pipe from the dream, what is this nonsense about North Dakota and South Dakota ?  Do we really need two states, both of which offer little if you don’t count Tom Daschle, The Badlands, and a hundred thousand Harleys in Sturgis ?

 

South Dakota’s Hog Heaven

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And explain this cr@p of a North and a South Carolina, Virginia and a West Virginia?  Huh.

And New Mexico ???  I’ve been there; you can give that one back to Santa Anna and his Mexican militia, and like the Kyoto Accords, tear up the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

That’s all for now. The next column may dwell on more important subjects, like stupid names for colleges and other amusing signs.

Give thanks at Thanksgiving…the last uniquely American holiday.

Rock on, New Hampshire.

…& returning home a military hero ?  

Not exactly.  

Far less patriotic, shallower than a supermarket tabloid diet, and more valuable than a completed correspondence course on celery management, be prepared for instant fame and admiration :

Imagine the elation when I opened my eBay message box to see :

 Take a deep breath and read on :  You’re awesome! You’ve achieved a feedback rating of  500–earning you a Purple Star!  We want you to know how much we appreciate your valuable contribution as an eBay community member. It’s people like you who have helped make eBay, The World’s Online Marketplaceâ„¢, a safe and vibrant place to buy and sell.      

Pardon me while I revel in undeserved glory for having made the WORLD a safe and vibrant place.   In the first year I bought a few items on eBay, but since that time became primarily a seller of the useless clutter that accumulates like dust bunnies between an old bed and the hardwood floor.

If you read Roger Johnson’s excellent column in the magazine, you’re miles ahead of the eBay universe.  Learning to cull through hyperbole, inadequate and deceptive photos, and often illiterate descriptions can be a challenge, but rewarding if you can be patient and inquisitive.  

On three occasions, I was offered power seller status because we had sold cars. This elevation into eBay stardom is a clever ploy to place you, the seller, on every known spam list.  Instant fame if you enjoy insurance come-ons, cheap prescription drugs, fractional ownership opportunity ( didn’t that used to be called ‘timeshare’ ?), and seminars on how to make millions, at home, no risk involved, by buying foreclosed and tax seized properties and flipping them at huge profits without ever leaving your couch.

Say goodbye to the lottery, Ponzi schemes, counterfeiting, chain letters, tax fraud, and bank robbery; make easy money at home, relaxing by the swimming pool, with the family dog on your lap, your wife in her lemon chiffon gown gracefully serving you a favorite beverage.

Gazing from your oceanfront estate you hear only the cascading surf crashing onto the shore while pelicans taunt the resting sea otters.

I passed, in spite of personal letters from CEO Meg Whitman complete with her authentic, simulated, replica signature, reproduced to welcome me to the exclusive power seller club.

As a recovering cynic, you need to master the separation of the pipe from the dream.