‘On’ The Wagon Wheel, the depths of despair, Part II

This is Jack’s sequel, a continuum of remembered events as they may have happened, here again, in his own words.

I felt rather sprightly on the return to the casita.  After a wholehearted attempt to display my loyalty and affection to Mrs. 3M, the atmosphere went south, quickly, and the following conversation ensued:

Mrs 3M, “what has gotten into this dog, he’s pawing my breasts, licking my ears, more amorous than a hormonal sixteen year old wearing a snuggie ® ?”

3M, “he may have had a beer at the wheel”.

Mrs. 3M, “ May have. May have ?  Look at him, he’s staggering.  Oh my word, you’ve brought him home drunk. Again.  This has to stop.

The atmosphere was tense.  Dos equis beer and domestic cheer, rhyme, like oiled and foiled….. I fear the jig is up, and I’m destined to an eternal diet of Beneful® and water.  I enjoy the company of older women and Mrs. 3M is only nine y/o in dog years and at age seven, our age difference is not an older woman/younger man issue.  She has always been my favorite but has also made it clear, she does not date outside her species.

The household conversation on the days following is subdued, and scary;

  • mention of AA and the ‘twelve steps’ program
  • a possible visit to a southern California re-hab facility endowed by Betty Ford (Asta, Toto, Lassie, and half of the 100 dalmatians have been patients)
  • sessions with a tough love instructoress, rumored to wear more leather than Trigger.

I’m getting despondent, forced to stay in the yard, where I can only nap and dream of halcyon days with Ruby, an AKC registered English Pointer from Oregon, papers to prove it, and friendly enough to outweigh her prep school pedigree.  Ruby Red, no relation to the grapefruit of the same name, is an ADHD knucklehead, constant motion, with the brains of a drugstore throwaway camera….point and shoot.  Her urine has more Ritalin metabolites than the fourth grade class at the local charter school, but get this.  When we share a Tecate, I get to drink the beer and she gets to eat the empty can.  Did I mention that she’s a knucklehead ?


Ruby, with her unidentified (thanks to photoshop) handler

Old 3M is loyal, attentive, but he, too, has major shortcomings;

a)  cheapskate

b)  hearing impaired

Combined, an almost tragic occurrence, while 3M tried to find the least expensive way to ship me off to the Palm Springs “resort”.  Watching the USPS commercials where the postman reminds the viewing audience, “ if it fits, it ships“, he figured that since I wasn’t liquid, fragile, hazardous, or perishable, why not send little Jack to La-La land by priority mail ?  Half deaf, he thought the announcer said, “if it s#its, it fits, and all at a fixed rate”.  3M is no bird dog, but that doesn’t rule out his bird brain or the use of swear words.


Delivery confirmation, anyone ?

We’re headed back to the Midwest, in the truck, and 3M is forcing me to listen to sermons-on-tape and gospel music.  An unscheduled stop in Canadian, Texas , an “oasis on the prairie”, and against my will, a demeaning photograph taken at the doorway to the WCTU, a deliberate effort to shame me publicly.  No, this is not the local radio station, but home to the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, a 1930’s organization of mouthy babes that was anything but temperate who would  your doghood on demand.  And, no, I am not taking nitrates for chest pain, nor do I have kidney or liver problems.


“honest, officer, it was just one beer”

For the moment, 3M and I are at an impasse.  I can’t get into the 12 steppy thing as I can’t get past #1 (admitting that I am powerless and my life is unmanageable), and I find #4 (a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself)  reprehensible.  Add to that, these are numbers aimed at the two-legged, and with four legs, I’m not agreeing to any jive 24-step program.


Staring pensively, over the Rio Grande’s Mesilla Valley, Las Cruces, NM. Along with an overgrown roadrunner, contemplating a ‘dry’ future.

I don’t care what readers may think or write, I don’t have a problem, and if you’re from the PETA, SPCA, or the WCTU, please keep it to yourself….I’m not taking any calls.

Salud, or in a word from my pal Werner, Austrian friend and host, Prost.


  1. GE in Chico says

    Ah yes, we had a spate of WCTU at my local Methodist Church a number of years ago. Nice ladies, but very, very daunting. Temperance was not the expectation, abstinence was, and it worked about as well as Sarah Palin’s advice to young daughter Bristol. A group photo of them looked much like staring death full face on.

  2. says

    Jack, I’ve heard that there might be some celebrity legs to, uh, “greet” at the Betty Ford clinic. Why not play along with old 3M and see if you can pick up a girlfriend during your stint in rehab? I’m sure some of them will date outside their species, and many probably already have.

  3. says

    Well, ‘Wild horses couldn’t keep us away’, but wild software bugs could, so I’ll flounder about a little longer here at the bottom, under ‘Sixteen Tons’…

    ‘and the funny part was’… that I had been ‘Back from my sabbatical’ long enough to present a new post, which should have brought me to the surface to gasp for air,

    but it vanished in thin air, so I’ll remain here in ‘the depths of despair’ until the bugs fly away or the world comes to an end… which would be a sad affair.