“Pat, I’d like to solve”

Dateline:  Tucson, AZ, 12Feb2017

Paqui Indian Reservation, Casino del Sol

 

February, dreary, overcast days, often stormy, is, by cosmic design, the shortest month.  However, tucked between Valentine’s Day to the left and President’s Day to the right is the birthday of the most attractive national icon.

Dressed in a lemon chiffon gown, pacing 15′ of runway, nightly, between the evening news and unrealistic network fare, yes….it’s Scott Pelley.

Of course, only a rumor, but if you guessed Tiger Woods or Rosie O’Donnell, strike three, you have landed on ‘lose a turn’.  Devout wheel watchers know that Feb. 18, 2017, is the 60th birthday of the beloved Vanna White.

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With the remote click → ABC’s  KGUN, Tucson, AZ, popular anchor and professional photographer, Guy Atchley, directs viewer attention to the Wheelmobile, the Casino Del Sol amphitheater, and your chance to become a contestant on America’s favorite game show.  Why not ?

Sooo, several thousand hopefuls show up, vieing for the opportunity to ‘audition’ on stage, be interviewed, and participate in puzzle solving.  Few, however, are chosen, as names are drawn from the golden drum, a lottery like device without ping-pong balls.  Odds on being selected, ~ 1 in 50.DSCN3708

The atmosphere is electric.  Hopefuls arrive, some in costume, carrying signs.  Loudspeakers blast away the Isley Brothers, “Shout”, women dance on the stairs, the emcee works the crowd into revival tent frenzy.  Gospel, rock, camera, lights, resort vacations, cruises, a chance to win one million $, oh the humanity.

By divine intervention, I am the 8th name drawn.

Entering stage right, 1st, sign the release statement, 2nd, pose for an official photo, 3rd, be seated and take instruction on behavior from the staff sargeant (Justin Timberlake look-a-like). DSCN3714

Justin, a Wheel employee, moves in on a KGUN staff member, no papparazzi, please.

If you’ve ever been arrested and booked, this is similar, however contestants are not allowed the one phone call.  Seems fair enough, as there is no fingerprinting, polygraph, or urine sample required….let’s party.

The ‘faux’ Vanna is a lovely young woman, ⅓ the age of the real article, adept at printing letters, but may have partied last night.DSCN3719

Our team solves the puzzle, the prize wheel is spun, and five of us win the big surprise, a Wheel of Fortune exercise bag, containing;

  • baseball cap
  • tee shirt
  • key fob
  • lapel pin
  • bookmarks

Who is reading books…?…. this is delerium.  Halleluia, Sister Vanna.  Will any of us be selected to appear on the show ?  Not so fast.  A few, perhaps, but only if invited to the next level audition in a month.  Pre-requisite vetting, background check, and signing a non-disclosure agreement may be on tap, all of which narrow this writer’s chance to zero.DSCN3724

Finally, when asked to pose with a two dimensional Vanna, a quick blast of desert air forces her to assault my hand in an inappropriate advance, a cardboard calamity.  Under advice from legal counsel, I’ve been advised to sue for damages; emotional anguish, sexual battery.  

120 volts of embarrassment.

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Naturally, as a compassionate soul, the charges will be dismissed should I be selected to appear, live, on the Sony Pictures, Hollywood stage set.

Later, after sibling counseling and 0.5 mgm Xanax®, my brother and his wife prep the family pet, Foxy, to exhibit the day’s bounty.  None of which will be seen on Animal Planet© or eBay©.

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Foxy, a professional actor, received compensation for this appearance..

Will my bucket list be fulfilled…meeting Vanna in person ?

Will Sony be willing to settle amicably, out of court ?
Stay tuned……….

and Happy Six-Oh, Vanna

 

References to Sony Pictures©, Wheel of Fortune©, courtesy of Merv Griffin Enterprises©, all rights reserved

©insightout2017

 

Chest Nuts roasting by an open fire

Snubtitle : The Clinton legend will live in perpetuity; a 20/20 vision for 2020.

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The high price of access for NBC;

The Clintons’ only daughter came under fire when it was revealed that she earned a whopping $600,000 a year while working on NBC News’ Making A Difference between 2011 and 2014**. The salary was outstanding given that she was a new reporter with no prior experience. She eventually left the role after three years to focus on the Clinton Foundation, although she was on NBC retainer until the time of her mother’s presumptive ascent to the presidency in 2016.  Conflict of interest, you understand.

Chelsea came under fire in September 2016 for using a private jet to travel 330 miles to a clean energy roundtable organized by her mom’s campaign. In fact, the aim of the roundtable was to discuss how to tackle climate change; Chelsea, criticized for using the jet, as her mother had promised a carbon-neutral campaign.

 

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Chelsea’s husband Marc Mezvinsky came under fire in May 2016 for extinguishing $25 million of investors’ money, while he persuaded rich investors to take a risk on the Greek economy. Oops. Matters worse, some of those investors had contributed cash to either Bill or Hillary’s campaigns. Meeting the new in-laws can be awkward, but even more so when your father-in-law is a convicted felon. Indeed, Ed Mezvinsky went to jail for five years after committing fraud; Bill Clinton denied him a presidential pardon for his crimes.   Kudos to Bill, crime fighter.

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The scandal surrounding leaked emails involved daughter Chelsea. Wikileaks dug up 67 emails between Hillary and daughter, in which Chelsea used the alias of Diane Reynolds (who uses an alias to reach her mother). The missives included classified information on the 2012 Benghazi terror attack. Damn that Wiki.

Chelsea Clinton used the Clinton Global Initiative Foundation’s cash to pay for her wedding ($3mil for 400 guests), living expenses, and taxes on gifts of cash from her parents, according to an email made public Sunday, 30Oct2016. ⬇

Doug Band, formerly a top aide to President Bill Clinton, griped about the former first daughter’s spending in a Jan. 4, 2012, email released by WikiLeaks. “The investigation into her getting paid for campaigning, using foundation resources for her wedding and life for a decade, taxes on money from her parents…,” Band wrote to John Podesta, now Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman. “I hope that you will speak to her and end this. Once we go down this road…”      Granted, pure speculation on behalf of this writer; however, define hubris.

The tacit implication, Mom could lose the election to the worst challenger in the history of the Republic.  Trump.  The man seems radically incoherent, almost nutty. What now? Sick of corruption, oligarchs, New York, California, candidates who sell state favors surrounded by serial rapists, goofy-looking pedophiles, hell, in Reaganspeak, let’s Win one for the Groper. Narcissism, grandiosity be damned, his existence, unmolested by humility.

Chelsea also benefits as a board director for Barry Diller’s InteractiveCorp (Nasdaq-IAC), web billionaire owner of Expedia.com, Match.com, et.al.  Salary for Chelsea: $300,000. The board position also pays an annual retainer of $50,000 and a $250,000 grant of restricted stock.  A small price to pay for this savvy young woman’s skill.

Though only graduated with a master’s degree in 2010, Chelsea started teaching graduate level classes two years later at Columbia University’s School of Public Health. Her exact salary is unknown. However, the average salary for a Columbia lecturer is $51,671.
She holds another academic post, salary unknown, as assistant vice provost for the Global Network University at New York University.

Chelsea’s personal fortune is estimated at $15 million, most earned as a consultant at McKinsey & Company and working for Avenue Capital Investment Group as a hedge fund manager. Chelsea, husband Marc, daughter Charlotte, and son Aidan, live in a 4957 sqft condo in Manhattan, overlooking Madison Square Park, with a full-time doorman at the ready. My guess, they are not looking to relocate soon. As their Nicaraguan nanny cursed, “no estoy moviendo a ningún jive Harlem, ni siquiera lo pienso muchacho blanco”

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…roughly translated ” I ain’t (bleep) movin’ to Harlem”

Bari Lurie, formerly chief of staff at Tribeca Enterprises 2008-2011, working on growth strategies and managing the company’s signature partnership with Qatar, is now personal chief of staff for Chelsea since Aug. 2011. Even though the BHCCF is a ‘non-for-profit’, now renamed, The Bill, Hillary, & Chelsea Clinton Foundation, an NGO, ( highly professionalized and relying on paid staff), Ms. Lurie’s salary is not publicly available. Can’t we all assume that the foundation has, deep within the ventricles, a mission statement to do good throughout the world…that it couldn’t possibly be a masquerade ?

Having reached the minimum age requirement (35 y/o) on 27Feb2015 to become president, the former ‘first child’ is poised to enter the 2020 campaign, along side running mate, Michelle Robinson Obama, to return the White House to the oligarchy where it rightfully belongs. The 1st ♀♀ ticket, an historic breakthrough.

Chelsea is only 36 years old and has already accomplished so much. What a bright future lies ahead. She would have been this successful, probably more so, had she not been a Clinton.  Imagine, like her mother, she’ll be working for US.

America, where any child can grow up to someday become president. If it were not for his death on 25Jun1999, you could confirm with Fred Trump.

Is this a fun country or what ?  The Cubs are World Series Champions, at last, Holy Cow. And like the irritating, curly, redhead refrain reminds us, the sun will come up tomorrow.

 

©insightout2016

Wedding photo, © NYTimes, courtesy Vera Wang®

Bill Clinton photo © Christian Science Monitor

Full disclosure: the author maintains a stock position in IAC

All the above have been fact ✓’d by snopes, urban legends, truth&friction, and my dog, Mrs. Wilson. Pleased to answer any inquiry, I work cheap, at ½ the hourly rate of Ms. Clinton for NBC.

**
– June 10, NBC Nightly News, on diabetes.

– June 10, Today show, on a car accident in New Jersey.

– June 5, NBC Nightly News, General Motors safety scandal.

– June 4, Today show, missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

– June 4, NBC Nightly News, about people pointing lasers at aircraft.

– June 3, NBC Nightly News, food-borne illnesses.

– June 2, Interviewed the Geico gecko, an animated character who sells insurance.

All told, in her almost three-year tenure at NBC, Chelsea worked on all of 14 stories, to receive $1,800,000 in salary.
What a talent.

Bubble Gum & The Mother Tongue

 

 

A prominent editor/author, on a remote voyage in northern Washington, recently wrote this excerpt;

“We picked up a hiker at one such flag stop….who confessed to having missed the boat the night before, so he had to tent-camp an additional night.  That sounded fortuitous to me….a beautiful place to spend a night all alone. Lucky bastard.

Because the writer, R. Luhr, is rarely profane, a crying shame, his strongest language is normally limited to sheesh, darn, dang, golly, gee whiz, and shucks. We need profanity (except for Nickelodeon or the Hallmark Channel) or how would R-rated movies and hip-hop artists prosper ? You can no longer rely on poor taste, idiotic juvenile themes, and tribal grunting alone. Even strong Marines need to communicate.

I was reminded of prominent linguist of the English language, Bill Bryson, bestselling author of The Mother Tongue, his 1990 twenty-page, classic treatise on swearing, which gave me pause and scratched a 30 year memory.

In our drugstore in the 80s, it was common to purchase bubble gum in quantity, individually wrapped, and placed in a prominent jar at the point-of-sale (cash register). We would buy 2,880 at a time (odd, but a unit of 20 gross). Shipped directly to us by the manufacturer, in a large carton, there was always a “premium” included. This was a gift to the merchant (e.g. umbrella, folding card table, tote bag, 4-cell flashlight) unrelated to the penny confection impulse purchase.

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In one such order, we received a Random House Dictionary (RHD II), 1987. For years it held a place in our medical library of reference books. Used frequently, the dust jacket became dog-eared, the aroma of Fleer’s Double Bubble never left its pages, a subtle reminder of clever marketing.

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Then, the late John Leonard, editor of the Sunday NYTimes Book Review, published a scholarly rating of dictionaries. The expected, Funk & Wagnall’s, Webster’s Collegiate, the OED, all rose to the top, but dead last, on the bottom rung of the literary compost ladder, the RHD II.  My first thought, that’s our dictionary ! The sole reason for Leonard’s inclusion; the RHD II defined every vulgarism, the “F” word, incestuous activity with a relative, anatomical sex acts, and bodily eliminations in the basest form.

 

Well, naturally, I couldn’t wait to get to work on Monday morning to confirm the scholar’s revelation, and by God, there it was, between mother earth and mother lode. I’ll trust the reader to fill in the blanks. Damn.

 

And to writer/pal Luhr, perhaps he could alter ‘lucky bastard’ to an erudite and more refined, ‘fortunate son of a bitch’. The Hallmark Channel and the comic strips in the waxed paper wrapper were the last of a Puritanical age, and you can bet your sweet@## , Hallmark will cave in soon.

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Bazooka Leggings..featuring comics and your fortune

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Nora Jacobs, a young girl in Saudi Arabia at her birthday party, 2016