Dial (800) 439-2466

Everyday, the seven deadly sins lead to unhappiness.

The dark side.

Life noir.

Imagine a hard-boiled cynic in a bleak sleazy setting.

Not being a Bible reader, in spite of its popularity, my day ends with the bridge column.  Too, as a practicing non-Catholic, sidestepping the altar of misbids and poor defense, is a free pass from purgatory.  Where the high priest of Hail Marys issues a thousand yarboroughs, hands in bridge or whist containing no ace and no card higher than a nine.

….the Church of the Painful Truth.

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The sin list, (7 ?), I plead guilty to wrath and lust, i.e., getting very snotty when being dismissed by attractive ♀♀.

The costliest sin, please, bear witness as I enter the confessional; GREED.

Late winter, 1969, reviving a Mom&Pop drugstore from imminent failure, business began an upward tangent.  The regional expansion, visiting physician offices during the few off hours, I learned that many offices resisted calling any pharmacy “long distance”.  Recalling, phone in prescriptions incurred a 25¢ charge …. a 5% expense, when an office visit with a patient then, $5.

A popular Niles, MI doctor, John Bruni MD, complained that calling patient prescriptions to us had cost him $1.75 in a single month, the = of two BigMacs and a supersize order of fries.

846-02796915 © ClassicStock / Masterfile Model Release: Yes Property Release: No 1950s 1960s MOTHER DAUGHTER COUNTER PHARMACY PHARMACIST BEHIND COUNTER SHELVES STOCKED ASPIRIN PRODUCTS MEDICINE

MOTHER-DAUGHTER; PHARMACIST BEHIND COUNTER

Willing to absorb the cost, I requested the newest strategy, a 1-800 toll free line from ATT, the sole monopoly. Offered a choice of numbers, I chose 1-800-439-2466. Why…?…because the last seven digits spelled HEXAGON.  Readers might recognize that as the six sided benzene ring, core of all organic chemistry, the pride of pharmacy students and vegetarians.chemistry-2938901__480  What could be better, easy to advertise and remember, for a failed English major, I felt quite clever. Plus, I turned down 800-244-5375 which translated to (800) BIGJERK.

images-1It worked.  That 4th line started slowly but soon rang, sometimes off-the-hook.  Yes, regional medical offices galore, but often insurance salesmen, stockbrokers, sweepstakes, roofing, siding, and the sheriff’s auxilary extorting donations.  Or else.

Guilt by benevolence must be in the Bible.

Somewhere.

The formula depicted above, adrenaline, the active component in the now infamous Epi-Pen®, a timely need if you encounter an anaphylactic reaction to nuts.  If you already knew that, stop, become a Jeopardy® contestant.  Now.

Possessing a 1-800 number became the fashion.  As the numbers available began to diminish, the value increased. Historical footnote : prefixes 888, 877, 866, 855, 844, 833 had not yet been imagined. Now we were the cat’s meow.  Today equal to the cutting edge.

A vanity plate in the world of commerce.

Then, a call, Oct. 21, during the 1st Reagan administration, a Wednesday, late, after closing,screw-1924174__480

“Hello, I’m Bill, calling from Cleveland OH, are you the owner ?

“…yes.”

“Just a chat. I’m president of Hexagon Industries, manufacturer of hex bolts.  I’m intrigued by your telephone number, as it could really benefit our business.  Would you be willing to relinquish 4392466?”

” Umm, hem, uh haw, it’s really quite an asset, we’ve spent years promoting it, at great personal cost, eight dollars a month, effort, huge effort, yada yada, priceless, yada, blah, blah”

” I fully understand, but if, say, $5000 is enough to change your mind, could you call me back ?”

” Yeah, yeah, sure, but not likely…thanks for calling”

That night, my 1st wife’s 39th birthday, I hadn’t even brought home an outdated Whitman Sampler®. 302211719898_1

Money was tight.  But greedy me, I’m walking on air. I’ve got this chump by the testicles…if he’d offer a lousy $5K, why not $10K ?

Let him hang in the wind, like a palm tree swaying in a typhoon, wait a year or two, glued to his phone, anticipating a positive response from this pharmacist, self-supposed pillar in his community, a member of the most trusted profession……ahaaa..!…not a chance, I’ll go for the gullet, $10K or no dice.

Yes, greed, like all sins, has hindsight. It taught me that class and humility mean far more than money or possession. Class would have been to offer the number, for nothing, an extension of good will, and invite him to visit South Bend if he ever headed west.  That would be a remembrance, forever, and I wouldn’t be writing this column.

I did call, a year later, and he was delighted.  Good news.  The government antitrust case against ATT was moving forward and he was offered the same number, at no charge, with an (888) prefix. “My sincere thanks that you didn’t take the bait”.

It was too late, too hollow, too late, too shallow to offer now. Too late to turn a wrong into a right….I’ve regretted it ever since.

My ex, a lovely woman, will turn 78 on October 21, 2019. She remarried.  Her second husband,  much better than the 1st.

Stay tuned…it gets worse.

Out of curiousity, tonight I dialed the number (800) Hexagon.

A recording asked if I was over 50 y/o; press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

I pressed 2, so add lying to that list of sins.

 

insightout©2019

 

 

 

 

Choosing Gym Shoes

 

As youngsters, we often referred to tennis shoes as ‘sneakers’, characterized by rubber soles, faded black cloth uppers, and the aroma of the 7thgrade boys locker room.

 

For 30 years I wore a cheap pair in honor of Fred Perry, the last British player to win a men’s singles Grand Slam title, Wimbleton 1936.  Until my children, in their early teens, began mocking my fashion sense. Apparently, shoe branding equated to social standing.

Fred_Perry_01 Fred Perry was also a table tennis champion.

Sooo…May 20, 1987, a Wednesday, I opted for an upgrade to an adult grade leather casual, Bass Boaters®.  I recall this, not from memory, but a curious habit of always dating each pair of shoes when purchased.

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Stylish to me, although never having owned a boat, I learned too late they were a second tier brand….admonished because the best, most desirable, with patented non-slip soles for walking a damp teak deck on your cabin cruiser, were Sperry TopSiders®, the choice of eastern elite Ivy leaguers.

Sperry

Now,  31 years later, I still wear the boaters, walking my dog, down to the DeTour marina to look at other people’s boats.  And their shoes.  Posing as the ancient mariner.  A patina of ‘previously owned’, the soles have the Firestone tread depth of a 1941 Studebaker Champion headed to Kaminski Salvage on South Bend’s west side. DSCN4999

There are more cracks on the perimeter than my ladyfriend (Judy Starbucks) in Patagonia.

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These shoes, like Keds®and Uniroyal’s Red Dots®were among the last made in the U.S.A. Now, all manufactured in Asia, decades after Don McLean’s, the day the music died, Feb.3, 1959.Unknown

 

 

Once, only briefly, I considered an eBay purchase, used,  from the legendary NBA Bull, so I could walk the ‘hood in Chicago’s Bridgeport…or MoTown, Watts, Harlem, Ferguson, but the potential for a hospital bill and trying to get on a CTA bus, barefooted, without a token, and not having $556 dampened the enthusiasm.  And a lot of other ‘asms’, for a honkey clown with size 9½ wearing a pair of size 13 EEE.143547-17792cce22a44fef8909f94fc4a68e16.mpo

Jordan 1 Retro Bred “Banned” (2016) $556 pair

Convinced that I’ll never be able to touch the rim, hampered by a four (4) inch vertical leap, nor ever own a boat, should I even consider a replacement  in the future.DSCN8228 DSCN3017

Not likely, as this writer, these Boaters and my pal Starbucks are barely broken in.

 

©insightout2018

“Pat, I’d like to solve”

Dateline:  Tucson, AZ, 12Feb2017

Paqui Indian Reservation, Casino del Sol

 

February, dreary, overcast days, often stormy, is, by cosmic design, the shortest month.  However, tucked between Valentine’s Day to the left and President’s Day to the right is the birthday of the most attractive national icon.

Dressed in a lemon chiffon gown, pacing 15′ of runway, nightly, between the evening news and unrealistic network fare, yes….it’s Scott Pelley.

Of course, only a rumor, but if you guessed Tiger Woods or Rosie O’Donnell, strike three, you have landed on ‘lose a turn’.  Devout wheel watchers know that Feb. 18, 2017, is the 60th birthday of the beloved Vanna White.

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With the remote click → ABC’s  KGUN, Tucson, AZ, popular anchor and professional photographer, Guy Atchley, directs viewer attention to the Wheelmobile, the Casino Del Sol amphitheater, and your chance to become a contestant on America’s favorite game show.  Why not ?

Sooo, several thousand hopefuls show up, vieing for the opportunity to ‘audition’ on stage, be interviewed, and participate in puzzle solving.  Few, however, are chosen, as names are drawn from the golden drum, a lottery like device without ping-pong balls.  Odds on being selected, ~ 1 in 50.DSCN3708

The atmosphere is electric.  Hopefuls arrive, some in costume, carrying signs.  Loudspeakers blast away the Isley Brothers, “Shout”, women dance on the stairs, the emcee works the crowd into revival tent frenzy.  Gospel, rock, camera, lights, resort vacations, cruises, a chance to win one million $, oh the humanity.

By divine intervention, I am the 8th name drawn.

Entering stage right, 1st, sign the release statement, 2nd, pose for an official photo, 3rd, be seated and take instruction on behavior from the staff sargeant (Justin Timberlake look-a-like). DSCN3714

Justin, a Wheel employee, moves in on a KGUN staff member, no papparazzi, please.

If you’ve ever been arrested and booked, this is similar, however contestants are not allowed the one phone call.  Seems fair enough, as there is no fingerprinting, polygraph, or urine sample required….let’s party.

The ‘faux’ Vanna is a lovely young woman, ⅓ the age of the real article, adept at printing letters, but may have partied last night.DSCN3719

Our team solves the puzzle, the prize wheel is spun, and five of us win the big surprise, a Wheel of Fortune exercise bag, containing;

  • baseball cap
  • tee shirt
  • key fob
  • lapel pin
  • bookmarks

Who is reading books…?…. this is delerium.  Halleluia, Sister Vanna.  Will any of us be selected to appear on the show ?  Not so fast.  A few, perhaps, but only if invited to the next level audition in a month.  Pre-requisite vetting, background check, and signing a non-disclosure agreement may be on tap, all of which narrow this writer’s chance to zero.DSCN3724

Finally, when asked to pose with a two dimensional Vanna, a quick blast of desert air forces her to assault my hand in an inappropriate advance, a cardboard calamity.  Under advice from legal counsel, I’ve been advised to sue for damages; emotional anguish, sexual battery.  

120 volts of embarrassment.

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Naturally, as a compassionate soul, the charges will be dismissed should I be selected to appear, live, on the Sony Pictures, Hollywood stage set.

Later, after sibling counseling and 0.5 mgm Xanax®, my brother and his wife prep the family pet, Foxy, to exhibit the day’s bounty.  None of which will be seen on Animal Planet© or eBay©.

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Foxy, a professional actor, received compensation for this appearance..

Will my bucket list be fulfilled…meeting Vanna in person ?

Will Sony be willing to settle amicably, out of court ?
Stay tuned……….

and Happy Six-Oh, Vanna

 

References to Sony Pictures©, Wheel of Fortune©, courtesy of Merv Griffin Enterprises©, all rights reserved

©insightout2017