Preamble to Jack’s Blog
When revealed that a popular, inspirational blog, supposedly written by a Syria-based lesbian, was actually the work of a male graduate student in Scotland, the Gay Girl in Damascus was exposed as a myth. The media began admonishing the public about the ease of internet duping, where it is said no one knows whether you are a Syrian, a lesbian, a Scot, or a dog who has failed a breathalyzer test. Again.
Thus, prior to being insulted by reading on, please review Jack’s Disclaimer, and consider checking this box, ❑ I Agree
Welcome back to my Facebark page, twelve steppers, et. al.
Those threadbare values of people, who thrive on bogus exoticism, may take comfort that I, a dog, am not currying rapport with readers, as everything I write is fiction and that which is not, is simply not true, so today’s theme naturally turns to my area of expertise, the practice of law.
Believe me, I am just as astonished as you, having failed the LSAT’s twice, especially when I came across this (delete) Law Firm, location unknown, specializing in dog bites.
The earthy among you may consider this a misspelling, it is not, but the more astute and academic (Wheel of Fortune watchers, you know who you are) will recognize that the letters, rearranged, spell the phrase, “Swim U Flark”. So you have an option; dig, swim, or buy a consonant.
A streaming modern overhead sign alerts victims, that aside from death, dismemberment, infection, loss of a loved one, and the risk of permanent cosmetic changes in appearance, you, yes, you may be entitled to compensation (and an income tax deduction on Schedule E, line 47 (a) of 27% of line 12 if you are married and filing jointly, thanks to the inspirational IRS code). You will only be charged a fee if we win a settlement from the spineless insurance industry whose motto is “no backbone, you’re not alone”.
Personal injury law is solely responsible for an infectious, nationwide outbreak in billboards. Ad media representatives report that Adult Superstores have fallen to #2, and McD’s® a distant 4th place. Vasectomy reversals by Houston urologists; tubally ligated from the top ten. The point being, the attorneys pictured must appear in dark suits, stern, unsmiling, possessing a noticeable adversarial posture, and a complete set of what might be referred to as, ‘male components’. And recently styled hair.
Home alone, I dogged onto google, searching 1-800-dogbite*. In 0.1 second, an astonishing 1,360,000 hits, which if extrapolated over ten minutes would mean everyone in the USA may have suffered a dog bite. Twice.
Being the target of a half billion plaintiffs is depressing, like shoveling sand against the tide, making it difficult for me to remain sober and clean. Currently in re-hab, I have refocused on a future as an advice columnist and also, the lead in a bluegrass band.
Coming soon to a county fair near you, please welcome the hot, new, bluegrass sensation, Petunia, Dogbite, and Jack
And my advice for today:
Bite an attorney (which, incidentally, would make a terrific song title)
* this is an actual number, which when dialed will be answered tersely by a woman with a question, “have you been injured” ? If you respond, “yes, my feelings have been hurt”, she abruptly and rudely, hangs up. Try it.
Gary Estep says
Wise words from Jack “The Ripper” Spiher. I must confess though, I believe the the formerly passive canine has been spending waaaaaay too much time with his master (Read agent or subject) and has gone to the dark side. On the other hand, the best gin and whiskey known to man or dog resides there, so not all is lost. Our five dogs have all read the Jack post and howl their approval. Actually, I don’t have five dogs, they somehow came as a package deal with wife and children. You know “You will never have to do a thing, I’ll take care of him/her/it.” Uh huh!