Happiness makes me sad.  

Not the despondence where suicidal thoughts are the most cheerful option, but the cascade of sadness that showers over one at the local supermarket strip center. Surrounded by the overweight; that nearly 70% of the adult population either mildly, moderately, or morbidly obese. Let the scientists, pundits, as-seen-on-TV doctors, and weightwatchers® postulate the cause for this “epidemic”:

• the technology revolution that allows us to accomplish everything while doing nothing
• A diet of processed high-fat convenience foods
• Unrealistic reality shows that create celebrity glorifying fat bottoms
• High speed living that necessitates drive-thru dining or ‘eating out’

I, however, would like to make a case to disown happiness and embrace sadness.  Here, in a 20 minute grocery spree, is the tearful result:

• French’s Mustard: Happy Starts Here
• Ben & Jerry’s ice cream: Scoop of Happiness
• ‘Open Happiness‘™ Enjoy Life’s Simple Pleasures With Coca-Cola
• From the makers of Tostitos®, Doritos®, and Cheetos® who feature this mantra:
  

Sensible Snacking

Snacking is a fun thing to do, but did you know that it can also be good?

Please.

Are we a nation of idiots ?

On the perimeter of the same shopping mall, a Golden Corral restaurant banner, 30′ wide, proclaims, “Help Yourself to Happiness” and across the highway, the Golden Arches promotes The Happy Meal, apparently not decomposing for 180 days, a delightful combination of burger, fries, and a cheap Chinese trinket.  No sad kids left behind in this pre-school indoctrination. 

Perhaps the pinnacle of our national gluttony is the IHOP on the same block: Come Hungry, Leave Happy®.  I’m not sure what the initials stand for, but here’s a thought, I Heart♥ Obese People.  The latest NEW! offering is Cinn-A-Stack french toast described as follows:

A stack of three (3) slices of THICK CUT french toast layered with a cinnamon roll filling then drizzled with rich cream cheese icing & topped with whipped topping.  

Or you might choose the Cinn-A-Stack combo of two slices (~ 1010 cal.) by adding two eggs + hash browns (~ 1080 cal.) and your choice of 2 strips of bacon or pork sausage (~ 180 cal.).

Not taken into the calorie accounting, sugary soft drinks, butter, and fruit syrup over the gigantic mess.  Just think, enough calories to sustain an average adult for two full days, and it’s only breakfast, a corporation concocted dessert….the most important meal of the day from an old refrain.  And on this Sunday morning, a line has formed while people wait to be seated.  

I can be both empathetic and sympathetic having once fought bulge myself. Watching friends die too young, and painfully, from diabetes, congestive heart failure, and colon cancer, is the most effective appetite suppressant. What makes me happy is being an old curmudgeon, a fuddy-duddy, who can still get nauseated at our collective excess.  When I’m no longer able to puke, it will be time to go. Today when I get home my lunch will be a scoop of funky monkey ice cream on a bed of cheetos and lathered with a layer of mustard, washed down with a cherry coke.  So giddy I’ll want to die.

Interested readers ( actually, less than a dozen ) have inquiries about prior entries that deserve attention. From folk art & pornography, Jay L., NY, asked about a reference, the VW Beetles buried nose down in NM, and I could not recall where they were located.  What I did find was a photo taken, dated March 24, 2009, shortly before 1 PM, MST.  I assumed it was in NM while headed back to the midwest.  If you know the location, get back to me.

 Fasten your seat belt, six VW’s a quart low on Krylon 

In Life as Paperboys, three budding writers asked the identity of  the author of a dozen popular novels which had been carefully cloaked in a layer of gauze.  They were evidently seeking publishing advice.   Although to my knowledge the writer has no outstanding warrants, his identity will not be revealed for two reasons:

1. He is armed with a .357 magnum
2. I do not have a kevlar vest

The issue titled Motel Hell and Vanna White created some fun and discomfort:

• rbb in RI; thanks for your loyalty, but you need to join the 21st century, learn to bookmark on the family computer, and throw away your so 1970s Rolodex file
• jmb in CO; if you decide to cull out your closet of elegant couture, I want first dibs before you go to St. Vincent de Paul, Salvation Army, or the Buffalo Exchange
• bdoyle in CA; advancing age has caused a < in testosterone, resulting in a shrinkage of certain male components and a concomitant > in estrogen.  For next year’s physical we plan to add a Pap smear and a mammogram to the finger pointing ritual
• iflash in AZ; DeTour is Patagonia in drag (or is it the other way around…..?)
• jk in MI; how fragile it is to go “down under”, being a faux transvestite and at the same time a genuine Yooper.  If the Cubs make it to the World series, I plan to dress sweeter than Lady Godiva for game seven.
• ge in CA; we could be a couple, dazzling the doyennes of the GWG convention as drag kings.  You can be Mrs. Doubtfire.  I always felt that Tootsie was miscast when Sidney Pollack (a native of South Bend, IN) picked Dustin Hoffman over me.
• 
• gopio in NY; your subtle hint at lawyering is offensive.  Just get me a clean room.  My response, in Hindi, below*
• bj in WY; sorry, but I was an unpopular geek in high school, and according to wife Lynn, still am.

The biggest disappointment, however; Vanna, why won’t you return my calls ?

 Me and Jack, backseat driving at the best tourist trap north of the 45th parallel

**ہیں۔ انہیں ضمیر اور عقل ودیعت ہوئی ہی۔, roughly translated, “bite me”