Nov 24 2010

The Truckstop, and Billy Newsom

Driving 1000 miles on interstates over the past three days, primarily through northern Illinois, Iowa, and southern Minnesota, not a single Jackson Center product was seen being towed. Not surprising with temperatures in the mid-teens, snowbirds have already won the race with the sandhill cranes and the Canadian geese on the migration south before Thanksgiving.

There are, however, 100s of trucks, semis, and over-the-road warriors every hour. What I found interesting is that few firms refer to themselves as truck companies. Even truckers proudly (and euphemistically) call themselves teamsters although it is unlikely any driver has ever handled the reins of two or more horses at one time.

This is a contagious disease, as common today as when a politician will look straight into a network camera and say, “my previous statement was the result of cognitive dissonance, i.e., a misstatement released by my publicist in error”.

Translation: I lied.

The FED chairman, staid Ben Bernanke, is equally guilty when, seated behind a microphone, testifying to a bevy of bored congressmen, he comments that “the reserve has opted for quantitative easement to counteract the debt crisis”.

Translation: I’m printing more money.

The committee yawns.

So I take an opportunity to stop at what is hailed as World’s Largest Truck Stop, near Walcott, IA. Although not shopping for chrome or seeking a wash at the TruckoMat, I decided to cruise the lot to find a 53′ semi trailer labeled a truck. Not as easy as you might think. It took 47 to finally locate a rig marked Billy Newsome Truck Lines*.

Here’s what you see instead:

Expedited Freight Systems
Buchanan Hauling and Rigging
C & W Gooseneck Services
Watson Freight Management
Magnum Logistics
Integrated Logistic Systems
International Logistics Express

Logistic seems to be a buzzword in this monster lot, although transport, transit, transportation, consolidated, and LLC are quite popular too. Ignoring the saturation of JBHunt, Werner, England, and WalMart, I head straight to my cellphone and dial 1-888-TRUCKIN.

In the back of my mind I hear the refrain of the Grateful Dead blues-rock anthem, “truckin” and the following conversation ensues:

“Gudaftanoon, Billy Newsome Trucking, mayihepyou ?”

“Yes, may I speak with Billy ?”

“Juneyor or Seenyor ?”

” Either one would be o.k.”

“Well BigBilly is ovuh at his sistahs havin’ coffee, but LilBilly is rut heah beside me, I’ll put him on”

“Billy heah, canIhepyou ?”

“Yes, please, why did you name your company Billy Newsome Trucking ?”

“Cuz thatz what we do, truck. We haul salvage, wood debris, and agricultural waste, but we’re here to serve. Why ya askin ?”

” I was just curious, but also to thank you being clear, precise, unambiguous, and avoiding euphemism”

“Not sure what all that means, but you’re welcome, call anytime”

Yes, this is the world’s biggest truck stop, and yes, America moves by truck, but don’t be surprised the day you see, along side the T/A, Love’s, and Flying J, Intrastate Logistic Restaurant & Fuel, LLC. I’ll be at the counter sharing a donut with John Ratzenberger.

*name changed to protect the innocent from more stupid callers.

And for the rest of you guys, this is what you get when I drop down to the 5th spot.

Oct 13 2010

Mercedes-Benz..Roadster meets Aluminum

Readers have been exposed to the man-in-the-maze uniting his famed A/S Safari to a newly acquired Blu-Tech diesel Mercedes Benz GL320. The wedding ceremony was presided over by the Reverend Hensley….the hitcher of high repute. After the honeymoon, which lasted less than an hour, the relationship has matured and looks very favorable for the long term.

Airstream is also producing a high-end B-van, The Interstate, on the Mercedes Sprinter chassis. Ho-hum.

Historically, however, the marriage between the two engineering icons, Mercedes-Benz and Airstream, began 50 years ago. An archive photo from ~ 1960, depicted in several airstream references, illustrates a Bambi being towed by a 190SL roadster. In the background, a mid-size trailer towed by an 8 cylinder, slab sided, four door Lincoln Continental.

My interest for more than thirty years is the MB roadsters; the trailers are only a muse, a side effect. In 1959, Stuttgart issued a service bulletin to the mechanical training staff in the U.S.; the proper installation of a hitch receiver on the 190SL (121 chassis designation). This is somewhat laughable as the roadster had a 4 cylinder, dual Solex carbuerated, 125 HP engine. Although the little two seater produced 105 ft/lb of torque @ 3200 rpm, it weighed only 1160 Kg. (2552 lbs). With servo assisted drum brakes, the two seater touring convertible would be unsafe towing much more than a boat trailer.

That didn’t stop Schuco, a legendary producer of toy car models, as seen below:

190SL Cabrio mit Wohnanhanger (from the insightout collection)

Not suitable for children under 3 years old due to the danger of swallowing small parts

A total of 25,881 were produced from 1955-1963. With unibody construction and little rust protection, many have long since oxidized, were wrecked, or ended life in the crusher. There remains, however, worldwide interest in the charming two seater touring car. In the U.S., the International 190SL Group boasts an active membership of 600+. Although the 1954 NY Auto Show prototype hinted at racing, the reality was an inadequate power:weight ratio. The beautiful lines and exquisite build quality, however, have endured.

Within the last month, the racing prototype, a perfect re-creation was unveiled in the Hagerty Insurance lobby, Traverse City, MI to the delight of 100+ guests.

Only $3,888, f.o.b. New York

Vanna White’s mother* on the turntable

In thirty years I’ve had the privilege to examine more than 100 of these cars….not a single one had a hitch receiver. An interesting side note, the roadsters had almost as much aluminum as a Bambi. The hood, trunk lid, and both doors were solid cast aluminum, in an effort to reduce weight.

The last 190SL rolled off the assembly line, 47 years ago, only a year after the death of Wally Byam, yet both retain a parallel following. Perhaps the Tour of America and the Mercedes GL will be equally popular in the year 2057.

A 190SL racing a Great Lakes freighter, the James Barker, on the Munuscong Bay of the St. Mary’s River. The boat won.

*this is not Vanna’s mother. Maybe older sister ?

Sep 05 2010

H I J __ L M N O P

For the musically inclined, bottle-fed on Sesame Street, the title represents the easily recognized second line from the Alphabet Song, minus a single consonant. A deeper meaning emerges during the holiday season, that special time when the DeBeers commercial and a third tier jewelry chain remind us that every kiss begins with K, alerting thoughtless, ignorant men to listen to a different tune.

Even with hearing impairment, the hummed version of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” sounds like Big Bird on a bullhorn.

Hence, my personal disdain for the letter K.

Locally in this fishing paradise, a 12 y/o entrepreneur markets earthworms to eager anglers under the catchphrase, “Kyle’s Krawlers”.

Kute, you little runt.

Nearby, on M-55, we have the Kountry Korner Kitchen. Maybe I’ll stop by for the menu favorite, korn on the kob.

If I don’t hurl first.

How many miles can you drive before a billboard announces an upcoming KOA, with its kozy kamping kabins ? May I have 3-way hookup and a barf bag, please ?

Once, years ago, somewhere in rural North Carolina, we came across (this is from memory) Karen and Kathie’s Koffee Klatch, Kandles, Kurios, Kouture, Kurl salon, and fine Kuisine. Alliterative hell. You could smell the sickening sweetness of potpourri aroma for miles in every direction.

Made me want to puque.