Aug 30 2010

At a gain for words

Watching television, it becomes difficult to avoid the overuse and euphemistic display of words. I confess to enjoying golf (no time out, no coach, no defense, no cheating, no primal end-zone dance) because I can mute the blather of the announcers. In my own defense, I have neither played nor lifted a club since Gerald R. Ford was president, so please excuse my davenport sloth.

Here is what I find dreadful; a ten second video (any player, take your pick) of, The Konica Minolta Biz Hub Swing Vision Camera. Isn’t that what we once, simply, called ‘slow motion’

A commercial of a handsome bare-chested stud is about to apply, Gillette Clinical Odor Shield. Would that be deodorant

The overhead blimp becomes, The Met Life Airship, Snoopy III, piloted by Captain Bligh and the CBS crew. I guess he starts the fan. And really, aren’t the shots above all golf courses, football stadiums, and enclosed sporting venues about the same ? Here’s a thought; use file footage and retire the captain and the beagle.

The weatherpeople (each station now has four) have a new buzzword, Rip Currents, a harsh, gripping, attention-getting phrase that suggests danger and possible death by drowning. We used to call it undertow but that doesn’t have the pizzazz when you are reporting from the Severe Weather Monster Storm Dual Doppler Extreme Weather Team. I suspect the meteorologists all get on the NOAA website and read the same weather report.

The news department is no better. Brian or Katie report that 12,000 troops are being sent into harm’s way in Afghanistan. Harm’s way, my @ss. Why not dispense with daintiness and call it what it is…danger.

And variations of the following are frequent; an estranged mother of three disappeared six weeks ago last seen in the company of her ex-husband (recently released from prison for domestic abuse, chronic alcoholism, and violating restraining orders) while being dragged by her hair from a local saloon. Area wide law enforcement agencies have yet to unearth her remains. The ex-husband is being considered, (drum roll), a person of interest. A person of interest….egad, when did we begin to tiptoe around the simple description, suspect

Imagine for a moment that the esteemed editor of an RV lifestyle magazine, a raconteur, a journalist, intellectual, and consummate family man……..and you might think of him as an interesting person. However, a simple interchange of words, should he instead become a person of interest. Now you might view him in an orange jump-suit, shackled at the waist and ankles, carefully descending the stairs of an aircraft with the U.S. Marshall Service as guides. Scary thought.

Enough for now. Writing this column can become harmswaygeous.

Jul 23 2010

If you are taking nitrates for chest pain

fifteen minutes may save you 15% on car insurance, if Sally Fields bones don’t petrify from an overdose of Boniva during the commercial break. Do third tier celebrities with cheap cosmetic surgery really lose weight on the UPS delivered diet plans, and if so, why does the 99 pound Oprah (as seen in her “O” magazine) appear to be a morbidly obese Charles Barkley in drag everyday at 4 PM ?

Perhaps I need to turn off the TV.

Like the nearly 400 million Americans who aren’t on the guest list for Chelsea Clinton’s wedding this weekend, we have selected an alternate entertainment venue. Apparently neither she, nor her ambassador mother Hillary, had the foresight to register at Target or Sam’s Club, so we can take the money otherwise reserved for her elaborate shower gift and head west to Saint Ignace for fun, fudge, and ice cream.

Saint Ignace, aside from being the gateway to Mackinac Island (#1 tourist attraction in the state of Michigan), is also home to the Castle Rock.

As seen in the Curt Teich colorized postcard, circa 1955

and Indian Village, America’s oldest souvenir shop founded ~ 1797.

Or whenever the neon teepee was first introduced.

Your source for genuine Indian spears (rubber-tipped)

St. Iggy, to the locals, is a picturesque waterfront town. Real estate is plentiful and cheap, as are the motels. The names mirror a dry town in Nevada;

Sands
Flamingo
Dunes

Or the cottage style of the 1940’s, complete with quaint mildew;

The Cedars
The Evergreen
The Pines
Tradewinds

And the ubiquitous, nautically-themed, so-so beach community restaurants;

The Dockside
Galley
Bay View
Driftwood

They have the best summer car show south of Canada and north of Minneapolis.

Above, an Amphicar, a failed project in the 50s. Both a car and a boat, it was sore excuse for either.

The USCG icebreaker, Biscayne, useful in rescuing amphicars

A 50s Ford lowrider truck towing a Serro Scotty

And below, an unidentified colorful character to match

The now slow recovering Michigan economy can still provide cheap thrills. In St. Ignace you can buy homes with water views, on the water, or in the water for next to nothing, except that you must endure a month of spring, a month of fall, and seven months of winter.

(full disclosure: I have no financial interests in St. Ignace and am not a paid spokesperson for the chamber of commerce, although I have lusted over the lady who renews boat licenses at the DMV)

It’s nearing four o’clock, time to tune in to the Oprah show for the newest buzzword, “teachable moment” ( find two better words in the English language that can convincingly signal saccharine insincerity.) It will either be about food, women, and God, or the latest fad diet, ‘how to lose forty pounds by Friday eating four minute fondue’.

Jun 05 2010

Greater Jackson Center Area Growth Association

May sound like a support group in need of surgery to remove an unsightly body appendage, but be assured is only a euphemism for the “chamber of commerce”. Never mind, the Pro hardware store sells a product labeled Poultry Netting which I would swear is chicken wire. Semantics aside, after four fun-filled Alumapalooza days, many revelers ventured downtown Friday night to the JC Community Days.

My objective; humming along with the lyrics as rendered by Petula Clark.

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

After dinner at the Cafe Verandah, we stroll over to the town center, a midway enclosed in an orange plastic version of poultry netting. Rides to attract youngsters, band stand, beer tent, ice cream, elephant ears, and yes, teenagers. Almost all the girls wear tight stretch jeans. There is a mating ritual in progress and we, the gracefully aged are here, privileged to witness it. The jeans constitute their courtship plumage. The local boys pretend not to notice, but how can they not ? It is a blatant effort to attract their attention. Trying to be cool, the boys play an elaborate game of not paying any mind. There is obvious signaling, pretending not to notice. The girls text furiously on hand held raspberries, to their friends less than a few feet away, anything to avoid face-to-face contact. It’s beautiful, the tension unbearable.

Linger on the sidewalks where the neon lights are pretty

Darwinian. Only yesterday morning, the legendary Bert Gildart presented a wildlife photography program, a portion of which demonstrated the courtship of rare pelicans in the wild. Same thing, only without I-Pads. And acne.

How can you lose ? The lights are much brighter there, you can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

The JC entertainment is only slightly better than an impromptu concert by our own event staff only 3 nights earlier.

Picture three grown men, on stage, singing a gawdawful paraphrased version (now available on You Tube) of The National Anthem, to the delight of a small crowd. Although alcohol was not a factor, sleep deprivation, high humidity, and physical exhaustion from 20 hour days might have lead them to believe they have talent and the need to allow the true beauty of their souls to shine through. If this happens to you, you are not attractive, you are leaking.

Sadly, these same ‘entertainers’ rejected a request to include a scheduled dog show and parade, an activity considered by them as a lowering of the bar. “We’ve gone as low as we can go”

And go downtown

The pressure on an event organizer is intense, especially from the fourth estate, seen here under direct assault by papparazzi and a reporter. Note how he cleverly disguises his disdain for the press, cloaked in a wry, salacious grin.

Synopsis: the rally has been and is, without equivocation, a smashing success. No this is not Woodstock, although many of us have a memory of Bethel, NY in 1969. Here the tone is one of effervescence, lightness, and yet still intimate…..friendliness with no pretention in a warm and moist environment.